Man! do i have to decide a title everytime?!?!

Ok, i should be finishing my homework right now, it was due last week, lazy lazy me! I'm half asleep but was in a pretty good mood, listening to podcasts and such, but now I feel kinda weird, like icky weird but not because anything disgusting happened. I just made one mistake, I checked out what the ppl in the podcasts looked like plus their age too, this is something any podcasts listener out there shouldn't do cause it really ruins everything. Ppl sound much more cooler than they look, mean yes but it's true, I'm almost always dissapointed when i see their faces, hehe..... More annoyingly their age, at least in this one Harry Potter related podcast, they're mostly youngsters (I was just soooo wrong, totally thought they sounded older than me). It was just much more cooler when i thought they were older college kids discussing HP, but now it's just makin me feel sooo friggin nerdy. Not that being a nerd is bad but I've always pictured myself a little above the geek/nerd/loser line. Anyways I wont be listening to them again, it just seems too odd for me now. Whatever, it's 3 am should continue writing my work. Weird thing is I've actually done a lot of my work half asleep, hehehe.... they usually turn out pretty good, except for the occasional typos and missing words hehe....

Monthly hormonal imbalance

Hello everyone that doesn't visit my blog. I've only got myself to blame for that really, didn't tell too many ppl about this blog and can't say I'm too diligent with the posting so, whatever.
Ok, current obsession: Harry Potter. Finished the 6th book this weekend, left me with that feeling that you desperately want but don't have, HATE it! Got me in an awful mood, made the whole process of going to school soooo painfull these last few days. Not to mention I realized that I've ran out of money, AGAIN!, just after days of getting some, and then homework, AAAAAAAh!!!!! All I wanna do is escape escape and procrastinate cause when I give myself even second of thinking time, I feel awful again.
Today, things are stlightly better, just have to remind myself that all the things I'm stressing about can be fixed one way or another, nothing that'll kill me.
So let us talk about things I am excited about, Harry Potter obviously, I'm rereading Chamber of Secrets and my order of PoA and GoF has arrived, yes! yes! yes! I wanna c Goblet again but no one wants to go wit me (understandably cause it's expensive), but still I wanna wanna wanna!
Oh happy little tidbit, I saw Adam Brody in a jc. ad on TV last night, so cute. He even said a couple of swedish words at the end, adorable.
Finally, music as always, gets me through the days. Right now I'm so loving Imogen Heap (singer of Frou Frou). Great songs, kinda electronic-esque, which is really not my style normally but she's just awesome. Check her out, especially the song "Goodnight and go". Very cute and upbeat song, sweet chorus that goes like this:

"Why'd you have to be so cute,
it's impossible to ignore you.
Why'd you make me laugh so much...
it's bad enough we get along so well....say goodnight and go."

But then pay attention to the verse, after that you'll find the song kinda creepy:

"I followed you home you got headphones on and you're dancing,
got lucky beautiful shot you're taking everything off, watch the curtains wide open.
...same routine, flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining, and you think you're alone."

Creepy huh?!! hehe.... still a nice poppy song though.

A lil' bit of....

What should this post be? an update? happy post or sad post? introspectional or superficial? You know what, really not in the mood to think about it. So I'll just plough through:

*I was going to post some music links and delete the old ones, but do u know how much hassle that is? so when I do I do don't wait for it.
*It's really late and i should sleep but just remembered that I have to put on new sheets, makes me less enthusiastic bout getting ready for bed which makes me sleep even later than I want. It's a vicious vicious circle.
*My bestest buddy AK came home today, picked her up. Winter's looking pretty great now she's here, like old times.
*On the other hand my aunt, cousin and grandma have all left the country in the last 2 days, I'll see them in 2 months but goodbyes suck none the less.
*I'm in love with Adam Brody, cutest of the cute on my list right now!
*I'm kinda pisst with Safin cause he hasn't played for soooo long (stupid knee injury) and a because I won't see him play any tennis until February next year.
*I hate how money goes away before you have time to savour it (one of the "perks" of adulthood that make u wish u were still a kid)
*I love how Mommy hates when I call her mama.
*Remember my iPod? still loving it like crazy.
*I'm always reluctant to do my school work but love it when I get good grades (I hate when my feelings contradict)
*I wish I had the will power to go on a diet and lose weight but food is too good of a thing to restrict.
*I love bacon.
*I hate that I live in a country where I can't express myself to new people in my souls language (english that is).

Looks like this post is shaping up to be a hate post. I better stop here then before it goes too far. Bye!

Who said I didn't have a life?! F U man!

So, you've read my post title, and yes you're right I said it, F U!!! I'm not particularly angry today, infact I'm feeling rather fine, but it's just an observation worth mentioning. Have you notice how ppl talk about that quite often, I don't have a life, you don't have a life, etc etc. Usually this is based on what? lack of spouse? lack of going out on saturday nights? those aren't much of a criteria now are they?! So maybe you don't have a significant other and/or you dont go out that much, so what? Honestly, who has the time and money to do those things and meet someone when you have school, work, housekeeping (everyone has to do some housekeeping), not to mention keeping up with friends and family that you already have?! I know I don't. Sometimes I can be inclined to say that "I dont have a life", but that's not really accurate. Of course I have a life, what the hell am I living right now! I have school work, home work, and occasionally when I have free time I like to spend it on my own, catching up with the time that went by and make sure that everything's in check before my "resting" time is over. Plus, what student out there has the extra money to spend on fun stuff? when you have money usually it's needed for the bare necessities of life, like food and clothes or school books, I think the majority would agree to this. Just wanted to get that off my chest because it feels like society is making me feel guilty for being a homebody and a cheapscake that won't spend any money, hehe.....

Next subject: You gotta check out this new band/group whatever called "Fort minor" it's Mike Shinoda (the dude that raps in Linkin park) side project. I really like their stuff, very nice. I'll put up some songs ASAP.

Seems that I've ran out of topics..................hm......................uhuh, right.
I wanted to discuss separation anxiety, particularly mine. I heard somewhere (Grissom on CSI) that 70% of ppl have a security item (you know blankets, icky pillows, stuffed animals and such) to eliviate separation anxieties and I thought huh, I don't have anything like that, guess I'm one of the 30% that don't have problems with "separation", change etc. But how can that be, I have loads of abandonment issues (it has lessen through the years) and I respond badly to most changes, even the little ones, and then I realised I sure do have my own "security blanket" and it's called: the television. It hasn't always been the same TV set or even the same content, but yes TV is my blanky. I'm very attached to it, it brings comfort whereever I go (especially with all the TV shows thats shown all over the globe) all I need is to see something familiar on it and whatever change that occurs around me seem less harsh.
Example: when I moved to Sthlm what did I buy first? that's right, a TV set. You gotta understand, I've had my own TV since '97 so naturally when I had to give that up I had to get a replacement right away. Now, thankfully, there's the internet and with it I can actually live without a TV set if push comes to shove. You know why? because the essence of the television are the shows right? nowadays you can download almost any show thats on TV and that my friend is my solace!
Btw, has anyone seen Prison break? exciting new show. Ooh and Lost is also getting better and better. Which reminds me, I should download that now, catch u losers later! Bye!

Pit stop

Ok! I think it is due time that I pop in here and post something. Just a quickie but at the least worth the info update.
I've been busy busy busy (busy by my standards, since some might think it's not really a hectic schedule). I was a little worried that I'd be thrown off track once I started school again considering how long it was when I had absolutetly nothing to do during my days. Change is daunting, but it's going fine so far, everythings in check, school, home management, basic upkeeping of my mind, body & soul (this includes: rest, fun, friends,etc.) Saying everything is under control could jinx it so I'll just say that I'm trying my best, 1 task at a time, 1 day at a time, 1 week at a time and so on and so on.....
Also on a general note:
I miss my Daddy, my friends all over the planet, I love everyone and I'm happy to be what & where I am today. xoxoxo

Grassy mood

Hey peeps! I'm in one of those moods again, the one I apparently get from listening to bluegrass-y music. This always happens, I cruise on natural highness for couple of days and then everything just crashes. If normal ppl go through this, I can't imagine how much it sucks to have a bipolar disorder. It'll be better in a couple of hours probably, sometimes I'll deliberately keep myself in a "low" state so I can be pensive and write and do a little introspection. Although for now I have nothing. Been busy with school and dreamin for a boyfriend, that's all. Time to post the blog and snap out of buhu land, ta!

Mother earths pesky creatures

Lord do I hate insects!!!
Filthy, creeping, crawling, hopping, flying, buzzing, disgusting little creatures. I've accepted the fact that we have to co-exist on this planet, but why oh why do we have to co-exist so close to each other?! Thankfully, since I live in a much much more cooler climate than my former tropical, bug-infested home. At least now I only have to deal with them during summer, which poses another dillema: window open or window closed? Sometimes it's too hot to have it shut but then how would I get a goodnights sleep if I have to chase down every bug that flew in. Even worse, a moth, those f***ers are flat and sticks to one place for so long, makes it hard to track them down, and then they flutter around at night when it's time to go to bed. That's also a problem, how do I keep the window open for it to fly out, but not so it's "friends" won't come in? Do you see what they're doing to me?! Those mindsucking fiends!
I admit that I've squashed, stomped, and squatted a lot of them during my days. Maybe they didn't deserve it, maybe I was unfair, but maybe... just maybe, I don't care. I don't regret slaughtering these inferior, yet superior species, although sometimes I wonder if they'll ever put their vengeance on me, if I were to be buried when I die they would get me then, but I've chosen inceneration after my demise, so those little bastards won't ever get a piece of me.

PS: Spiders are also overwhelmingly creepy, the hairy ones, the long leg ones, even the tiny "where's your head at" ones, they should all (pardon me for being harsh) be wiped off the face of this earth.
*Note: this was dedicated to my dear friend AK. May you never have to check your toilet for spiders ever again.

My movie week

Fav song at the moment: "Ugly girl" by Fleming & John
U gotta check it out, it's a funny "after break-up" song.

So it's been about a week since my 20th bday, and all of that week was spent mostly on movies. Let's start from the 26th of July (the holiest of all holy days), it was almost a perfect birthday, no stress, no too-high-to-reach expectations, a very fun/delicious dinner with my favorite family members (who r in this country), presents and of course Chocolate cake. Definetly changes my approach to future bdays, no more fuss and no more planning for big things that would not likely happen, just a day where u've completed another year in this GOD forsaken place, hehe..... just kidding, couldn't b more happy to be here.

The next day was equally satisfying, I walked around Sthlm and went to the cinema, all by myself. There's a natural high u get from spending the day alone, a certain reassurance that u don't always have to be with someone else to have a good time. I recommend everyone to do it once in a while, if they haven't done it already. I mean really, if you can enjoy ur own company then u're never in bad company.
Anyways, I saw Wedding Crashers, really funny, I wouldn't say it's a "I couldnt stop laughing" kinda movie but it definetly made me laugh a lot, especially Vince Vaughn and Isla Fisher, they were great together, very cute. For anyone who watches Alias, "Will Tippin" is in the movie too. Owen Wilsons nose was a little distracting, but not as much as the dude's head that was sitting in front of me.

On the 28th, I believe I spent the whole day cleaning up the house, some might think it's a chore but for me a "clean home is a happy home", hehehe corny huh, or "a clean house is a clean soul". It's true though, life becomes less stressfull when there's less clutter everywhere, man do I love throwing stuff away. When I have my own home, nothing in it will be there if it didn't have a purpose, anything useless would be trashed. (Note to self: reason not to have children)

Whatever the next day was, it came, and on that day I saw War of the Worlds, which was alright except I found it a little anti-climatic, however the angle of the movie was "new" so it wasn't a bad movie at all. Just have to say though, Tom Cruise's jeans were a lil too tight for my taste.

After that the following 3/4 days we went DVD-rent crazy, with these films:
#Dodgeball
Again, a funny, entertaining movie with the cutest tall man Vince V. Although, I think Justin Long was the funniest in this one.

#Bad Santa
I've seen it before, and it really is a good-hearted, sweet, christmas movie even if it doesn't seem so at first. The kid is so great in it.

#Taxi (Jimmy Fallon version)
Because I saw the french one it was a little odd to see Queen Latifah as that character, but after awhile u forget and its quite entertaining, car chases were cool and there is a certain relief-ness when u don't have to read the subtitles.

#Anchorman
Not hillarious but adequate. There were little moments that were truly funny and the best part was all the famous cameos that showed up throughout the film.

#Motorcycle diaries
OMG! Gaél Garcia Bernal is such a babe/cutie/hottie/handsome man. I knew he was cute before but this was the first movie I saw with him, and photos do not do him justice at all, u really have to see him on screen. OMG!!! even my mother couldn't stop saying how cute he was. Speaking of fine men, I realised that most striking-looking guys actually have ugly features when you look closely, weird noses or big lips or monkey-like jawline, but the combination is amazing. Aaah, God bless them all! :)

#Rundown
Wanted to c this cause the trailer and the clips were funny, turns out those were almost all of the funny parts from the whole thing.

#Before Sunset
No matter how many times I watch this film, it's great everytime. This time I noticed that Julie Delpy talked a lot more than Ethan Hawke, and that from the first time he saw her at that book shop, he was just longing to touch her. Oh such a sweet, and simple yet powerfull movie.

#Prince & me
Standard chick flick plus the weirdness of ppl in Denmark speaking english with a scandinavian accent.

#Collateral
Technically my brother saw it this time cause I saw it in the movies looong time ago, but comment provided anyway. Tom Cruise is really cool in this one, love the way he says things, mean yet articulate plus the sarcasm.


So ultimately, I spent my "bday week" in a truly old-nicole style, the one who loved the movies so much but nowadays to cheap to spend money on entertainment.

Currently listening to: everything on my list, duh!!!

Specifically at this second, Rachel Yamagata's "The reason why" is on.
What is there to report you ask? I'm happy, happy, happy! I know there's a lot of shit going on in the world and at times I feel guilty of being lucky enough to be happy, but I can't help it, I'm glad to be here and gratefull to have everyone/everything that I have. I visited postsecret.blogspot.com yesterday and all I thought was "any issue or complex that I might have is nothing compared to so many ppl out there", I thought about posting a secret there but what the hell, I can just do it here.
Here's one: Sometimes I resent my parents for losing my faith in love and my ability to trust another human being. Not to say that I have much experience in love but hey I'm 20 and already cynical, props to them!

#David Usher "Black-black heart"
Something weird is happening with my body, how many of it is hormones? how many of it is mental? how many of it is caused by the weather? I have no idea. Wake up every morning with a heat surge that sporadically comes and goes through out the day. Plus a weird aching in my head, as if my brain is swullen and my cranium is bouncing it form side to side, maybe it's meningitis, maybe it's migrain, maybe a tumour, maybe.....

#Jason Mraz "Wordplay"
I'm in love with pink! pink clothes, bags, shoes, bras, watches, phones, earrings, make up, you say it, I have it. It 's dawned on me that 90% of my things have a pink variation to it. Not an accomplishment per sei but.....nah just fascinating to me.

#Minnie Driver "Invisible girl"
Podcast, my favorite thing at the moment. I have a hard time explaining what it is, so just check out iTunes music store and you'll catch my drift. So far, I've listened most to tvguide talk, where some tvguide peeps talk about tv and movies (my fav topics of all time), lots of spoilers and scoops and reviews, makes me feel good about being a TV junkie.

#Robbie Williams "Better man"
This song reminds me of being in switzerland with my sweetie Natalie, we had such a great time, laughing soooo hard every after meal, one of the best holidays that I will ever have, no doubt. I'll slip in another secret here: I have had more than one occasion where I wanted to smooch a girlfriend, someday when the opportunity presents itself I'll be there.

#All saints "Pure shore"
The Beach, oh how I miss beaches. I wished we went to beaches more often when I was still in tropical land. Hopefully I will be able to sport my spankin' new bikini when we go there next year.

#Iron & wine "Naked as we came"
I tried gear shifting this week, in a car that is. It was my first time doing anything behind a steering wheel and might I say, quite exciting. Can't wait to really start learning how to drive, it's weird to imagine operating a large machine among other machines.

#Sarah Mclachlan "Stupid"
This song isn't familiar enough to me to provide any inspiration.

#Nelly Furtado "Explode"
So the post has come to an end, much to do before this Sunday ends, much to learn before the week bends, much to see before tomorrow sends.

#Jurassic 5 "Thin line"

Listening to:

Nikka Costa -- Can'tneverdidnothin (awesome!!!)

Still air outside, climbing in the window
the rain finished, sun in tow.
Still air inside, crawling out the door
winding it's stride, layed me on the floor.

Exactly one day and one month later, here I am again. Not much to say really, summer's been great so far, couple of rainy days here and there but sunny all around. 24 days till my 20th birthday, not sure what that means, definitly feels more significant than the others, but still don't know what it means. I might look two decades old on paper, but off that there's still a seventeen yeared girl in here. I hope this next 5 years will drag out as long as it can, don't want to reach 30 too soon.

Picknick

Picknick
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Picknick2

Picknick2
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Pose

Pose
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

OddBall

OddBall
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

InCar

InCar
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Malcolm

Malcolm
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Solar

Solar
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

PickNose???

PickNose???
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Mommy & me

I just love this photo, thats all.

Masochists

Listening to:
Thicke

Ok, so in relation to the awfullness of the last few days, I started thinking about ppl who hurt themselves. I mean really, it is quite understandable how some ppl become bulimic/anorexic or the others who cut/slice themselves. The line is so blurry that the only thing separating us from the them is this tiny shred of........ I don't know what, but obviously its strong enough to keep us from crossing the line to self destruction. The point is anyone whose ever felt helpless and not able to control whatever it is thats happening must understand how some can step over the edge, and it's all because we're control freaks. Wether it's a weight issue or a heartache, we can't stand not being in control of our feelings, when something inside is hurting so bad you'd like your outside to feel the pain instead, cause at least then, you're in control of it.
So I guess thats what separates us from them, a little extra control, and perseverance, cause thats what ppl say right? if you just hang in there the hurt will eventually pass.
Anyways, we should all be lucky to have the ability to be mentally in charge for all our days.

Less sucky tuesday.

Listening to:
Shakira - La tortura


Well hellow!
This week seems to be improving a wee bit. Mcleods was back on, so a little part of my routine has recovered, (I don't know what I'd do without my day to day dependency on TV) although when I woke u this mornin the "pain" from yesterday still lingered on. I watched todays tennis matches trying to enjoy the game without rooting? for anyone and it is still interesting when the players play well. I would like to see something out of the ordinary to happen in a tennis match though, like someone getting smacked in the head or someone starting a fight, I've never seen anything like that.
Besides that the day was kinda dull and somewhat depressing, I stayed in bed till after noon. I still felt like fixing dinner so that was good, but I didn't have an urge to clean the kitchen after, and when I don't even want to do cleaning then it's definetly a crappy mood day.
Not to mention I'm craving for a chocolate bar right now but it's almost 21.00 and the store is not near enough.
Blaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever.

Clay hell.

Listening to:
Fiona Apple

It's only monday but already I know that this week is gonna suuuuuuck!!! Safin lost the 4th round at FO, I can't believe it, after a 3 hour long game with a lead in fifth set, he still lost. I could've vomit when I watched that match point. Especially after he did so well against Ferrero last week. So it wasn't that he played bad today, I guess I can take solice in the fact that his opponent was actually really good so it wasn't Safins fault. But it still hurts soooo much, why do I have to be so invested in him?! why can't I just take it casually?! and why can't I find another tennis player to like, so it's not just Safin I hang on too?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa.............
Other reasons this week is gonna suck:
- it seems that they're not showing Mcleods Daughters anymore.
- right now I'm in to this series that got cancelled years ago after only 1 season and that season already finished last week.
- last 2 episodes of Lost are on this week, after that boring wednesdays await.
- since I saw Teitur last saturday there is nothing left to look forward to this weekend.
- last but not least, French Open is still going on, so I'm gonna feel sick everytime I see a match, knowing that Safin isn't there.

If I never post again, u'll know I didn't survive this awful week. Ta!

Swearing

This was a funny flash clip, hope u guys think it's funny too.

TV stars fav swear word

Late night epiphany.

Listening to: Maroon 5

So it was last night that I had, what u may not call an epiphany but it makes for a good post title, that. It was looong and sappy and basically a glimpse of my inner psyche, but by half of it I regret writing anything at all. So you won't get any of that today, hehehe...... Suckers! nah, I'm just not ready to publish it, but it's quite therapeutic writing on this blog, helps a lot when you're messed up.
Have a nice sunday, everyone!

Flaky

I know, just can't make up my mind. Changed the skin again, I'm not a harbor kinda girl at all but this looks nice and soothing so whateve.

Pappa!!

We just got a scanner so I wanna post some old photographs. First up is my Daddy and me!
Btw, when r u gonna check out my blog, Daddy-O !?!

Chubby-bubby

Marchubby
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Have you seen a cute fat tanned baby?

Furry diaper

NicHeadphones
Originally uploaded by agathasue26.

Turns out I've always loved the "microphone".

Harry Potter

Ooooooooohh!!!!!!!
I just saw the teaser trailer for HP Goblet of fire, and it looks so good!! I can't wait and I don't care if ppl who don't read HP thinks its children stuff cause it ain't. It's coming out in November, wish everyone could be here so we could c it together, mayb we will, who knows.
BTW, trailer link:

Goblet of fire

Yeay!! new blog skin.

Listening to:

• Cat Stevens
  Peace train
  
• Tristan Prettyman & Jason Mraz
  Shy that way
  
• Ello
  Pergi utk kembali
  

Isn't this much nicer. Turns out Blogger had a template that I just "loved" at first sight and no work needed, for now. I'll have to put in the tagboard somehow and the links, it'll be done by tomorrow probably. C ya then.

Notice!

how crappy the blog looks. I got tired of the old setup but this one has poo-vomit color and boooooring.
I'll just switch to bloggers generic skin mayb, we'll see.
Another notice is that my buddy Diza made a blog, finally, yeay!!!! This is great progress.
Later!

Long time comin'

It's been too hard living,
but I'm afraid to die....
cause I don't know whats up there, beyond the sky.
It's been a looong, long time coming,
but I know, a change is gonna come....

You guys know that song right? A change is gonna come. Old song, dunno who wrote it.
So......... it has been a long time coming for me to post something new, and it seems like a lot of the times I sit down and write are those moments where I'm feeling lower than usual. That's how it is for most of us right, when you're low you get creative with the writing and when you're high you get creative with more activities, like goin out and getting a life, but mostly things that aren't immortal, unlike you're writing (assuming you keep ur stuff like I do). Someone could probably come across as "depressed" if you only knew them from poems, etc. cause who writes more happy poems than sad right?! (incase u do, contact me immediately, if only to prove me wrong)

Next point in the agenda, tear inducing TV shows/movies. I've always been an easy target for weepy scenes but lately it's been a little too much. Can't remember exactly what got me all weepy but they were really simple stuff and the tears just kinda overflow uncontrollably. Sometimes it's so lame and I know it but I get sucked in anyway, just makes you feel silly afterwards.
You know what's great though, speaking of tears, Hugs! They're the perfect quick fix when you're pisst or sad or lonely, even when you're happy, a hug can never hurt. Of course it has to be sincere, if you dont mean it than it's just wrong. My rule is to never hug someone if you're not willing to give a real squeeze.

Last-ly, I asked my brother to be my personal trainer, cause I'm too lazy to exercise. We started working out yesterday and man he's a tyrant but he does have a very good training system, he got me to do squats and sit ups about 125 each, without me even noticing how much I was doin. And for someone who hasn't worked out in ages that was a lot. But the pain feels pretty good today.

End note, news on Safin. Poor dude broke up with his girlfriend (to the delight of his fans) and has been playing horribly. Yesterday he lost against a qualifier, a qualifier for crying out loud!!! I really like the dude but I wish he would do good more than just the beginning and end of the year.


Thats all for now. Adios!

Awful awful awful

I've been listening/watching a lot of stand up comedy these past few days, mostly from this dude Mitch Hedberg, know him?
Anyways he's my favourite so far, I just started really really liking him when I checked his website today and there was an awful awful post on it. He passed away just 2 weeks ago. It's so sad.

New deep?

Just read Anna's post bout how our rollercoaster of emotions are better than numbness, and generally I'd totally agree but lately I've been so tired. Tired of being pushed around by my feelings everytime I let them in, so I keep them at bay. It's a cruel joke really, how our worst enemy is ourself. I'm biggest critic. I'm the one that doubts myself the most. I'm my biggest fear. I'm my biggest dissapointment, embaressment. I'm my greatest barrier that can't be broked. I'm that ledge that I can't leap over, even when I'm pulling myself to that direction. Tired! Tired! Tired! of being so aware of every move, every word, every step I make. Sick of analyzing every thought that comes through, every action that I choose, every person that I meet. Not angry, not depressed, just exhausted. Why do we have to worry about tommorow when we don't even know if it would come. What are you doing next week? does it matter. Why waste today making plans when we never experience tommorow.
Weird thing is that I'm not even feeling low right now, but if I could write these things it must mean they're in here somewhere right. It's like my soul is feeling it but my head channels it directly to my fingers, so that my heart won't have to feel it. Try to keep my mind preoccupied with shows and movies and other superficial neccesities so I won't plunge into this stew of insecurities, dreams, fears, hopes, longing, and self-doubt.

Action packed night!

Morn' everyone! just woke up like an hour ago, finishing my breakfast right now oops got yogurt all over the keyboard, hehehe....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmjknhugmyguim,iuijnvcgcfrt
ok, cleaned!

So, last night was the most action-feature-film dream I've had in a long time and I remembered it. I saw the 2nd season finale of Alias before I slept, just started following the reruns some weeks ago. Anyway, the ending was sooo good can't wait till the 3rd season starts next week. I dreamt that I was watching the first episode of season 3, and I thought it was pretty good, it continued the plot from the last episode, which is too complicated to xplain, but I can tell you how it evolved into me being in it. So we ended up in this attraction ride called backwards pool in some middle eastern city, it was kinda like an escalator, going foward, filled wit water flowing through it. When we reached the end of this "attraction" there was a gang of "hijackers" that wanted to take everyones valuable possesions. Vaughn, from Alias, said that this happens all the time so I yelled at him angrily because he could've told me and I wouldn't have brought all the things wit me. I was sooo mad that after they took all our stuff and money I went up to the ring leader and said I'm taking back my things, all that had sentimental value, earrings, bracelets, etc. I said you could kill me if you want. I won't let you take my things!

Who knew I was so brave in my dreams, hehe.... or mayb it was the pain killer I took before going to bed, hm??

The dream's not over yet, we waited for the criminals to decide our fate and apparently I intimidated them enough to return everyones possesions but not the cash, although they gave back our coins.
Next scene, I walk upstairs to a table at a restaurant to apologize to Vaughn for yelling at him, then I realised that he was actually ugly looking (unlike on TV where Vaughn is really cute), and I thought "Wow! it's incredible how a personality can change an appereance so drastically." Anyways, alls well that ends well.

Think I woke up after that, it's all a blur.


Oh Oh, I remember vaguely wat happened next. I was bicycling at the side of country roads and highways, kind of lost, but finally found my way home because I saw "Willys" (a supermarket) across the street and remembered that I lived nearby. When I got home I asked mom if there was a Willys across the street why did we go to the other one thats farther away. She said the prices weren't the same.
In the real world that argument doesn't quite make sense but in my dream I didn't question it.

Then I woke up.

Ladidu-dida.....

I am home, I am home, ladi du di da I am home!!!! aaaa..............nd I'm sick
It's so weird man, I had snuffles almost all week last week but turns out my body was waiting till I get to the comfort of my own home before unleashing a mega annoying cold and sore throat. Hopefully it'll past in a few days cause my nose'll start chaffing (s'that how u spell it?) if I keep blowing it every 5 minutes.
Anyways, Oops brb.

--blow nose--

I noticed that, when I was waiting for my flight home, everyone was just so gloomy. You don't always have to have a smile on your face but it doesnt mean you should go around with a frown all the time. As I observed the folks around me, most of them were travelling alone, and we all know that you get more self conscious when ur alone, I usually cover it up by being preoccupied by whatevers around me, so it was obvious, these peeps put on a "what r u lookin at my cool-self for?!" to hide their self consciousness.

b back soon

Ok, Lost is over so I'm back. Where was I..........right the great thing is that when you notice other people being self conscious you feel so much more confident and for me personally, it makes me put on this smile on my face and think "u poor suckers" hehehe.......

Homeward bound

Unfortunately I wont be until tuesday next week. I've been au-pairing for 3 days now and it's going adequatly smooth, well the "job" is goin great but u know me, there's no place like home. First night was awful, as it usually is when I go away, what with the travel exhaustion and the not sleeping in my own bed and not kissing mommy goodnight (yup, my cords r still attached), I felt miserable all around. Thank GOD for the telephone, it eased the "pain" a little, then I put on my music and read my Vanity Fair (glossy magazine, a must-indulge-when-travelling purchase) to eventually sleep a fairly uninterrupted slumber. Next day I was a little more of my perky self, especially cause I got to watch "Lost" (my wednesday TV show), it gave a little taste of my routine back home. I have to say the little boys are really sweet and they actually listen to me, every night so far I've managed to get them ready for bed and in it by 20.30, which according to the Dad is not easy to do. Mayb they'll b more difficult the more they know me, crossing-fingers. So now there's only what, 4 days, I'll b home in no time. Can't wait to get back and plan my mom's b'day. Me & my bro r a great team for that, it gets harder every year though cause we always want to outdo the last year. It's gonna b a good one, oooo can't wait.
I guess thats all, just remembered, Safin didn't go futher than the 3rd round in Indian Wells, I'm not suprised but sad. Should've been "present" during his match.
S'all folks!!!

Hermit-me

Jack Johnson is awesome!!! he climbs up my favourites list everytime I hear his song, the new album is great, more like "Brushfire fairytales" than "On and on".
I haven't posted in a while now, no particular reason, doubt that the few people who check this blog miss me that much, hehe.... I haven't gone out much either, no reason to leave home, I probably seem anti-social but I only have one good friend left in this town. Never been good with the "half friends" relationship, how do people keep that up anyway, hanging out and trying to keep in touch with ppl who are more than acquaintences but hardly a friend. Making new friends used to be so easy before, but now it's just a hassle, everytime u meet someone new it doesnt take long for you to lose interest completely and I don't have the patience to find that "connection". I'm glad that I have my best friends, can't believe that once we didn't know each other and that we had to go through that getiing to know each other process, its like it been erased and we've always been friends, thats a great feeling.
Being a recluse really messes up ur knockers, start thinking to much about everything and time, well it's lost it's relevance. It's like I'm in a pod thats moving along in super speed. I could go out and do something but it's just too comfortable here. Anyways, I'm gonna try to be an au-pair next week, that would be good, it'll test my patience taking care of kids, 2 boys to be exact, 7 and 4 year old. I'm glad they're boys, I've never been fond of young girls, I remember when I was in school in Jakarta, kids would be waiting to get picked up from school and sometimes whoever picking them up was late, the girls would be the ones that cry and whine, while the boys would just sit there looking tired and sweating with their heavy little bags. It's easier to feel sorry for the boys than the whining girls.

There was gonna b a point to this post, we'll take this one: Loners are not stoners! (it rhymes so it's good enough)

Real stuff

Couple of days ago mom asked me somethin bout Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I said I don't really follow celebrity gossip anymore and then I realise, I really don't anymore. I used to be soo into movie stars, awards shows, the magazines, everything, really glad that it's worn off now. Over the last few years the "obsession" has shifted to music and, as u all know, tennis. Real people, unlike the actors, who you only know from their characters in the movies and the occasional talk show appereances or the unreliable gossips. With musicians and tennis players (I'd say athletes but I only watch tennis so...) feels like what you see/hear is what they are, at least for me. Like when theres character in a TV series that I really like, it sooo annoying that they're not real. That's why tennis is my favourite "TV show" cause I can follow it live. Mayb thats why I like reality shows, hehe, although you never know how real they actually are. And musicians/songwriters, they seem so honest that you feel like you know them. Whatever.......

Can't believe it's march already, time is such a weird concept and I wished I had the Tennis channel.

Nothing

I converesed with Miss Threepwood yesterday about how everything's nothing. Which isn't really a new thought but still interesting. Really, if you think about "life" and all the stuff we do and the things around us, they are all essentially nothings. Then what's the point, right? No wonder lots of ppl are depressed, hehe....
The only thing that is something is us. Well, all living things, but especially humans cause we're the ones that live materilalisticly. The non-humans have a much better life cause they live as/is and when it's compromised it's the humans fault.
Anyways, point is, the nothings become somethings because of us or they won't have any purpose. Like when you watch sports you realise that they're doing nothing, theres no point to the game itself but it brings ppl together, makes ppl happy, bla bla bla whatever.... basically it wouldn't mean anything without ppl right?!
Thats why they say "appreciate the small things in life" they are usually what brings you most happiness after all. For ex; sitting and talking with your friends, at the end, is the best way to spend time with each other and it's the simplest kind. Just like birthdays, every year I want to do something special, better than the last, but I always end up just hanging out with friends/family and everyobe has a great time. If we spent to much effort making an event for every single thing, when would we enjoy it. Just like breakfast this morning, simple toast with some butter, is there anything better?! Or doing the laundry, a chore at first, but you'd appreciate those hours in the laundry room where you can spend sometime alone and ponder bout things. List your favorite things, past times, I bet they're all the simplest and mundane things.

Rage flash.....grrrr!

Have you ever had that sudden breeze of rage? or is it just me? Today was one of those days, for a couple of hours there I was sooo angry for no reason at all, then I thought hey this would be the topic of the post today.
Now I'm feling pretty dandy though so the post won't have that same feeling. Anywho, the point was that I always feel guilty afterwards, for being all bitchy and testy, and why oh why can't my stupid conscience let a girl be angry once in a while.
Just once I'd like to go through my "rage-flash" without regreting it later, and think "Phew, that was a good mental cleansing we had."
Also, speaking of guilt, it's such a meaningless emotion. It makes you feel awful, not to mention a horrible motivator, cause when you do anything that stems from your guilt it's insincere and just.....wrong.
So this kinda old poem (that I rediscovered recently) is to all of those who long for an occasional guilt-free-bitchiness.
Note: Explicit contents.

I open a door and find a wall,
I knock it down and see a screen,
I rip the seams and pull the wires
only to find you f***ing liars.

I then bounce back to square the first,
to sooth my thirst
and hold my burst
until it cant contain no more
this violent bitch, this stupid whore.

You say its anger that I feel
and yet you never fail to steal
the random moments I feel real.

The schemes, the lies
you make me buy.
I choked, I broke
I never spoked.
You flew too light,
and ran away.
Without a fight.
I'll make you pay.

------N.C.S------

How many J's do u listen to?

It's an interesting coincidense that a lot of the music artists that I listen to have names starting with J.
Let's list them shall we:

• John Mayer
• Jack Johnson
• Julie Delpy
• Jem
• Jewel
• Jason Mraz
• Joseph Arthur

Besides the J's, theres like 3 T's, 1 G, 1 D, 2 B's, 1 O, 2 N's, etc... Dunno where I'm going with this but it's a fun fact nonetheless, u guys think about it.

Also I just noticed that theres quite an amount of banjo playing in some of the songs that I've been listening to, how peculiar.

Nobody here's from Irland.....

Don't know if u'll find it funny, don't matter really. It's Jimmy Fallon doing John Mayer's "Your body is a wonderland" on SNL.
I dedicate it to Encoré, hehe....

Nobody here's from Irland

Bad Nicole!!!

It's 3 am and I'm still awake (again!), haven't even started getting ready for bed. At least I got some work done on the blog, including putting back z commenting feature. Everytime it's done I republish the blog and see something I wanna fix so I go back and stare at the codes while getting distracted by my tummy.
So, it's time for me to amscray and sleep, 'cause Valentines day ended more than three hours ago, prince charming never arrived and my elbow hurts.

St.Val's day

My dear friends (u know who you are) thank you for letting me into your lives. Love ya!!!

tummy tucks, liposuctions, the works.

As you can see my blogs different again, hehe..... it's still under construcion though cause I can't be bother to do everything at the same time. Some stuff I haven't really figured out, but I got a tag-board, that's pretty cool. Especially cause the comments feature has vanished until I can fit it in somewhere. So the tag-board is there for the comments or whatever cause it's really efficient, like a mini chat-room ;)

Oh we saw Closer today, what to say about that movie, hm.... intense. Then I saw Outback Jack at home, hehe .... However corny and cheesy the reality shows are, they're still damn entertaining and I'm not ashamed to say that I like watching these peeps behaviour, man they crack me up.

La, da, da, da, da, la....... Karma, karma, karma, chameleon. We're talkin kinda funny from helium.

Ok, I'm gonna go back to work on this blog now. Viva la Jack Johnson!!! or somethin...

Ode to a boob.

A parody of the Rock-a-buy baby song.

Rock-a-buy boobies, on my torso
as the time grows, my babies will grow
with the hormones that mess up your mind
at least these two gifts will always be mine.

Thank you GOD, for I am well endowed.

Damn dam!

I just like this poem, so posting it here to share it. It's short but it says a lot.

Pour rain on my solid ground
push the barrier, so I'll be found
Like a dam holding a waterfall
with one glitch, I could lose it all.

----Nicole----

There's beauty in breakdown.

From Garden State's soundtrack, great song.

Let go by Frou Frou

Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus]
So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

Facelift

As you san see the blog looks new, haven't personalized it yet though (was trying to all day). Nice cool colors that now match with my Safin, hehe.... The fonts kinda boring, I'll change that later. Meanwhile what tit-bits can I post right now.....hmm...?

ummm.....



..............maybe.............


nah.

Go Marat!!!!

YEAY!!!!! really don't know how to say it, he won the AO, finally after twice losing in the final. He really beat Hewitt too, it wasn't that close of a match, no tiebreakers and no need for a fifth set. This last 2 weeks has been the best I've ever seen him play tennis.
I'm so happy for him, feel a little silly that I'm sooo gitty, but whatev! Too bad my blog's template colors don't really match with his clothes. It kinda annoys me, but I'm still gonna keep his pic up there. Cutie.
Also I just read an interview where he explains his necklaces, and one is from LOTR, hehe.... isn't that cute?!
Now I'm off to celebrate with my buddies, c ya l8r!

This is just one of the many beautiful songs out there, but the first one that I'm gonna post. Check it out:
Obs! the file will only be available for 7 days from now.

Picture perfect

Darkness finds I listen
To every little thing she has to say
And when I'm all but found its
Darkness that will lead my way

And all she ever asks me to do is
Stay awake to see a picture perfect
Moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's playin with the sun
He always makes it hard for her to see me

One day me and darkness will run away and sun will see
He should have let me take her in the first place and

Stay awake to see the picture perfect moon she"ll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's mine

All I ever wanted was for me and the moon to shine
And make the darkness
Stay awake to see a picture perfect moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know that she
Stays awake to see a picture perfect moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's mine

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAFIN!!!

Did you see that?!!! It was the best tennis match I've ever seen so far. Safin beat world no.1 Federer and went on to the AO finals, all on his 25th birthday. Yeay!!! I'm soooo happy for him.
The match was so close and intense, it didn't feel like it took 4.30 hours to finish. Man, it was like watching a thriller. Really glad that my intuition was right, hehehe, I never lost faith that Safin would win and he did.
In your face!!!! hehe, j-k.
Sunday will be his third AO final, really hope he wins the tournament, he should have a good chance against Roddick/Hewitt.

Stage fright --- immaterial.

If someone asked me a year ago to sing on stage for an audience, I would've said No! Absolutely not!! Never ever!
I can't even do a presentation in front of class without freezing up, let alone perform. Low and behold (hehe, corny phrase) tonight was my third and biggest/largest, whatever, perfomance so far. It was a charity night for the tsunami survivors, a pretty successfull evening, around 360 people were there to see all kinds of perfomances, including me :)
At first I was nervous but then we had soundchecks and it kinda loosen things up a bit, then I did my stuff and it was good but I wasn't 100% satisfied. Then I met my dear friends and my mom that were in the audience and it felt great to have that kind of support, it's weird that the people you want to impress the most are those that are easiest to impress because they love you already just the way you are (hopefully). In addition to that I have never gotten so many responses from people/strangers, no wonder performers love to perform, I mean you can never get tired of praise.
I'm so lucky that I had the opportunity to do this, step out of my shell and just go for it, take a chance for once. It has build up my confidence in everyday life and I'm soo gratefull for it. I finally found this one thing that I know I'm good at, even though I've sung all my life it never crossed my mind that I could actually be good enough for other people to hear.
All I can say is Thank you, to whoever it is up there, Thank you.



PS: immaterial was a word excessively (more than three times) used by Brown in The Da Vinci code, it bugs me when they repeat a word to often and in close proximity to each other.

-systems overload-systems overload-systems overload-

There's so many new music these days, for me anyways. It used to be simple before, you hear a song/band you like, buy the album and then listen to it till it burns out and move on to the next thing.
Nowadays you hear something new before there's a chance to get sick of what you're listening at the time, and you can't just ignore good music, so you move on to fast and then come back again, it's chaos man.
Anyways that was just rambling for me to spread new stuff that I heard lately:

Julie Delpy, (you know the french actress?) unfortunatetly she doesn't have a website but if you watch "Before Sunset" most of the songs are hers and she's just so cool, so check her out when possible.

Nellie Mckay
This artist I saw on Conan a couple of nights ago, and she has a sort of jazzy music with really fun lyrics. The song that I heard was "It's a pose" and the lyrics were kinda anti-men.


All for now, later!

What d'u mean I haven't been around? I've been here all along.

Let's just pretend that I haven't forgotten to post since christmas and move along shall we.......

The new years really make you think about the past a lot, which is not a bad thing but sometimes not too good either. At first I thought I didn't do much in 2004 but then I realised it was actually a very good year, there was a little travelling, rekindled friendships, new friedships, self discovery, new hobbies. Speaking of my new interests, tennis season has started again, Yeay!!!!!! so excited for the Aussie open next week. Safin, Safin, Safin, Safin

Anyways about looking back at the past I remembered all the interesting people that I've met and known and really if you think about it we've all met our share of compulsive liars, thieves, pervs, bullies, bitches, the list (which eventually includes nice people) goes on and on. And then you wonder how we fit in others lives around us, quite possibly we are one of those interesting characters in their lives, hopefully one of the good ones, hehe....

I gots to go although there's a lot more to write but obligations must be obliged so.....

*I've changed the words of the day to Rude remark of the day, hehe, for now cause it's more entertaining.